Interwoven

Photo credit: Ben Sostrom

Photo credit: Ben Sostrom

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.
— Romans 8:28

[Character Neville Aysgarth speaking] “The correct translation of that passage is actually: ‘All things intermingle for good to them that love God.’… It gives a better impression of synergy — the process where two different things are put together and make something quite new. If you just say, ‘All things work together for good’ — as if the good and the bad are all stirred together like the ingredients of a cake which later emerges from the oven smelling wonderful — then the man who’s dying of cancer will want to punch you on the jaw because he knows damned well you’re understating his pain and playing fast and loose with the reality of his suffering by implying that his disease is in the end a good thing. But if you say: ‘All things intermingle for good,’ you’re implying that the good and the bad remain quite distinct. There’s no question of well-mixed cake ingredients which emerge from the oven smelling wonderful. The bad really is terrible and the good may seem powerless against that terrible reality...”
— From Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch (bold emphasis mine)

I rarely read fiction these days, which is saying quite a lot when you majored in Comparative Literature. But recently I re-read the Starbridge series of novels by Susan Howatch — Glittering Images, Glamorous Powers, Ultimate Prizes, Scandalous Risks, Mystical Paths, and Absolute Truths. (She wrote three later novels involving several of the characters, but they are considered a separate series — The St. Benet’s Trilogy.) I like them because they are superb studies of people in the middle of spiritual crisis — mostly clergy officials from the Church of England, which adds an interesting twist. What we find in these novels is that a spiritual vocation doesn’t guarantee you’ll be any more able to find your faith when you need it.

I don’t know about you, but that is comforting to me. I like knowing that there aren’t any spiritual superbeings around here… that we are all learning lessons in our lives. Some are further along their paths, some very much so (like the Dalai Lama), but that doesn’t mean they’ve transcended humanity; scratch them and they struggle with their reactions just like the rest of us do. Actually, in many ways the protagonists in the novels have an even harder time, because of the career implications. They have a lot on the line if they admit grievous fault, such as drinking, affairs, or wrecking others’ lives through their own hubris. Their self-expectations even get in the way of normal human processes, such as grief. They hold themselves up as superbeings, and that brings them more trouble than ever.

So I’ve been thinking lately about a spiritual conundrum that keeps coming back to me which the quotation above addresses directly. I have several friends who deal daily with chronic illness and pain, and as I witness their struggle, I wonder why it is this way. Because while I believe that we in some way choose our lives, I also believe that doesn’t mean we deserve whatever comes down the path. Nobody asks for chronic fatigue, pain from disease or aging, accident, injury, abuse, or disability. But these things are given to us to deal with. Nobody’s exempt from the possibility.

After all, we all have our own spiritual paths, and they are usually strewn with a few boulders somewhere. There is no such thing as a trouble-free life. So why is it that some of us have paths that are nearly impassable? What are the lessons that come with such a struggle, and are all the lessons for those who are in pain and agony? And what about the suffering that comes with the very real evil that is done in this world — torture, war, genocide?

I’ve seen quite a few holier-than-thou New Age viewpoints repeating the mantra about “you chose to go through this”, implying that the one who hurts should remember that moment consciously. It’s blaming the victim, and those who indulge in it invariably assume a superior attitude, as if the one in pain is somewhere “lower” on the spiritual path.  But to me, that attitude is unbearably smug, not to mention rude and condescending. And probably just plain wrong. Not spiritual at all.

As I’ve revealed before, I suffered abuse as a very young child (not in my immediate family). This trauma affected my behavior in so many ways, I can hardly number them all. And few knew what had happened… most didn’t suspect something terrible had. I didn’t even know until I entered my late 40s and had finally grown enough emotionally where I could begin to process the memories and re-enter the nightmare in order to fully heal from it.

While I have evolved spiritually enough now to understand that this whole process — abuse, effects, and finally healing — was actually a full curriculum in building compassion and self-awareness, it took years before I could acknowledge that. In fact, I would have cold-cocked anyone who suggested that I asked to be traumatized in that manner as a baby. And I would have had every right to react that way.

For if I did “ask for it”, it wasn’t at any time I could remember, nor was it in any form I could acknowledge as myself as a human being. And while I believe deeply in accountability, I draw the line there. It doesn’t mean I am irresponsible; far from it. The only one suffering from those choices was me. But that doesn’t give anyone else the right to chide me for my own pain. That really is “playing fast and loose” with the reality of suffering.

Because even though some folks claim they can remember past lives or back to their own births, those memories are not accessible by the vast majority of us. To me, there are spiritual reasons why we have no memory of anything in our early lives or before. Even if we remembered the events that triggered them, the decisions made have no reality in this world. All we can do is deal with their effects and outcomes as we experience them in the present moment. When you are suffering, even yesterday is the distant past. What is important is now.

It doesn’t really matter in the end whether a soul asked for the lessons received. If we have not learned to support those we encounter on the paths we take, then the lesson we will receive at some point will be to need support from others. Giving and receiving are part of the same cycle, and one cannot clutch any part of that cycle without experiencing kickback. How long you clutch it is what determines how much kickback you get.

What we can control, in our everyday reality, is how we react to another’s fate. In the end, we’re all in this together. Humans are designed to build and maintain community. But if we don’t make efforts to understand one another, true community isn’t the result — instead, walls and fences appear. Prejudice grows. Injustice flourishes. And suffering ensues. But compassion, the fruit of love, breaks down walls, builds human community, and brings justice to the front.

The real road of spirituality is compassion. I don’t care how long you can hold a downward dog, how many hours you can stay in deep meditation, how many miracles you can manifest. If you cannot hold compassion in your heart for human suffering, you ain’t nowhere near where you are supposed to be spiritually. If your heart does not ache for those in pain, if you are not outraged by starvation in the midst of plenty, if you do not offer kindness and generosity of heart — at least — where you see sadness, loss, and deprivation, then you cannot claim to be enlightened. What we give in times of trouble, and the spirit in which we give it, determines how much love we receive in the end. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves.

We will all suffer at some point in this life. Many will do so needlessly in silence, holding their stories inside and never letting them see the light of day, because they cannot bear to be seen as imperfect. But imperfection is the human state. Chaos is required for growth. A seed must self-destruct to germinate and a caterpillar completely dissolve to become a butterfly. So suffering is built in to growth, which is the change that brings us back to ourselves and makes us a new whole, in a new state that we never knew would come.

Joy is interwoven with the woe that brings the transformation. From the life we gain after suffering or after learning to live with our pain, we may find the reward of peace and compassion. From our griefs and our traumas, gifts emerge that we can never predict, but only if we keep our hearts open to ourselves, those we love, and our communities — especially the community of humankind.

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
— William Blake, from Auguries of Innocence

Haywire

Haywire (adv or adj) 1:  being out of order or having gone wrong <the radio went haywire>; 2:  emotionally or mentally upset or out of control, crazy <is going haywire with grief>

I don’t know exactly why, but there are a lot of little things going haywire right now, as in the first sense of the word. Like the chili not turning out quite the way I wanted it, despite the special ingredient. Or dealing with insects in my plants, so I had to throw a few out. Or my computer fizzling out… then not. Then kinda fizzling some more.

And a few not-so-little things, too. I lost both an aunt and a cousin within the last month. One expected, one not. Job situation sputtered out. Money was very tight.

The biggest thing, though, is that a project I poured a lot of energy and hope into simply didn’t work, and had not for some time. I finally admitted it. I let someone else down with that admission as well, so it wasn’t an easy one to make. I so appreciate her grace in accepting my decision.

Good writing is clear thinking made visible. — Bill Wheeler

I have learned the hard way over many years of writing, that when words do not pour out of me, then I have to leave whatever I’m creating alone for a while. I cannot force it… it will come when it’s ready or not at all. My paperweight with the quotation above reminds me of this whenever I forget. If I can’t think it through clearly, it will not write itself.

One of the most puzzling things about my long transformation process is that this manifests in anything I attempt, not just writing. I simply cannot follow through on anything that does not resonate deeply with me. It doesn’t matter how good an idea it is. If it’s off my track, even by a hair, it drags and sticks. I cannot create, I cannot even think logically to plan it out or change it. It is nearly impossible for me to follow a train of coherent thought about what I am creating, if it is not on target for me. That is what I found about this project, and it’s been incredibly frustrating. I really thought I got this right, that it would take me on the path I’m heading for. Nope.

Saying “No” to this project feels like freedom from weeks of struggle, and yet it feels like disappointment. I had hopes and dreams of starting to teach, enough extra cash to keep me for a while, even a new path alongside the writing, teaching, and coaching I want to do. No wonder “haywire” is the word that comes to mind.

So much that is written these days is on blasting your way to success. Set your goals, visualize the outcomes, and manifest your way to the gold. Power that career through! You can do anything you want to do! Just do it!

Um, no.

That’s certainly not my experience. Over the last two decades, I have increasingly seen that what I choose for my life is not what the Divine has in mind. I’m getting closer, but apparently I’m not there. While I can manifest a job with a steady income, it rarely lasts long and usually ends for some squirrelly reason. Or it doesn’t even get that far. I had one job end before it started… a contracting assignment where the company changed directions before I got on board. Then the client company placed me in another spot, because they liked me, and that one ended before it started as well. A few more possibilities with them blew out, and then we all gave up. Not to be. This kind of thing happened more than once.

But when I seriously contemplated changing careers, started writing this blog, I found something far different. Events fell into place, I was supported, miracles occurred, and what I needed was right there. It might not look like an ideal, I might have had to do a little scrambling, but there weren’t any real disasters. And as long as I’m happy, I count that as success.

When I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s like clockwork. Everything goes smoothly, I’m producing and all is well. I can write volumes — and sometimes I do. I’m happy and focused. I can think. I know, deep in my soul, that I am doing what I am meant to do.

But what always trips me up is assuming that I have a hand in choosing what it is I’m supposed to be doing. It’s the damnedest thing. I was a project manager — I totally get what planning is. I set goals for years. One year I produced budgets for an entire operating group of a bank (11 separate budgets!) and they were so accurate everyone was astounded… especially since the boss thought he had set me up to fail. Nobody had a budget variance they couldn’t easily explain. So I understand intention and follow-through. Except in my own life, it seems.

Hmmm. I heard an interesting question yesterday… someone asked me, “Do you really like living this way?” and I had to think about it. After all, my life is anything but predictable. I’m in a far more precarious financial state than most can handle. I’ve cut my budget and household goods almost to the bone… at least as we define it in this society. I don’t have much anymore that isn’t immediately useful or extremely loved.

I guess the answer is that I’m moving beyond money as a motivator in any way and toward what calls me, even if it doesn’t make sense to someone else. It doesn’t always make sense to me at the time, I just know that it feels better to follow the call I hear. And I manage to survive and thrive.

What happened after I stopped the project that I thought grew from my heart was more than a little miraculous. I spent several hours after my difficult conversation with my friend in a state of profound unknowing and not a little panic. Remember, my “regular” job had pretty much dried up, and I was behind on all my bills, looking at disaster. I had just cut off my perceived best source of income for the near future… but I didn’t feel there was a choice, because it wasn’t happening. You can’t make money from work you can’t complete, especially when you’re talking coaching and webinars. And you can’t force wisdom to come if it doesn’t want to.

So I cried a while, meditated, prayed, did a little spiritual reading. I tried not to give in to despair and panic. I tried not to completely freak out. And four hours later, I received a call from a friend, who is a busy attorney. She needed household help and admin assistance with her law practice: did I have the time to work with her for the next few months, at least? And of course I said I did.

I don’t think this job will last forever… I’ve actually worked with this person before, and there are probably lessons coming for us both. I’ve learned to expect that. And there will be another twist, and another turn, and I will end up somewhere else I never foresaw, in a situation that will add to my learning in this life. It may look like a haywire way to run a life, but it is how it unfolds. I know now that my life is not really a series of intentions — my life is a call, a call to a deeper relationship with myself and the Divine, and it is all the plan and the reward I truly need.

Loved and chosen

Anne Lamott talking about teaching the youngest children in Sunday School one day with her friend Neshama:
Next, as always, we did Loved and Chosen.
I sat on the couch and glanced slowly around in a goofy, menacing way, and then said,”‘Is anyone here wearing a blue sweatshirt with Pokémon on it?” The four-year-old looked down at his chest, astonished to discover that he matched this description — like, What are the odds? He raised his hand. “Come over here to the couch,” I said. “You are so loved, and you are so chosen.” He clutched at himself like a beauty pageant finalist. Then I asked if that day anyone was wearing green socks with brown shoes, a Giants cap, an argyle vest? Each of them turned out to be loved and chosen, which does not happen so often. Even Neshama — Anyone in red shoes today? — leapt toward the couch with relief.
My Jesuit friend Tom once told me this is a good exercise because in truth, everyone is loved and chosen, even Dick Cheney, even Saddam Hussein. That God loves them, because God loves.
— From Grace (Eventually), Thoughts on Faith

Anne is right — knowing we are loved and chosen does not happen so often in our daily lives. I’ve been puzzling lately over this, because it’s become so clear to me that we are all children of God, and so we are all loved and chosen… no matter what or who we are, no matter how we express ourselves or behave. Why do we think for even a second we aren’t?

Our culture is part of that equation. We are told in every way possible that it is the packaging that matters. We are bombarded with messages that if only we will buy this or that product we’ll have whiter teeth, mintier breath, smell sweeter, look thinner, have a cleaner house and fresher laundry, have more confidence, clearer skin, more hair, and a six-pack to show off and attract a partner who will love and choose us.

But that simply isn’t true, and living in that bombardment eventually results in a bunker mentality. Who hasn’t felt pressured, threatened, or judged by those messages? You have to work hard to keep this idea of the “good life” going, requiring more purchasing, which requires more money, which requires harder work and longer hours, which saps time from the relationships that provide you with love. All the emphasis is on receiving; more accurately, acquiring and collecting. Sounds like a true rat race to me… and do you really want to be a rat?

When you shift your focus from getting to giving, you actually shift quite a lot in your life. As you learn to give love in every situation, no matter what it is, you turn the tide around so that you receive without effort or push. You learn that you can be loved and chosen, even wearing a blue Pokémon sweatshirt or an argyle vest. It truly doesn’t matter what the packaging looks like.

Women especially in this culture are slammed with advertising and information that contain overt and subtle messages about how to be loved and chosen. Make no mistake, the messages about hair, makeup, diet, and demeanor all boil down to sex appeal (whatever that is) and how to get it — and that is sold as the only way to a man’s heart. But this mindset shortchanges both men and women.

We are all complex, fascinating creatures. Even those of us with the simplest of personalities, desires, and way of living are more complicated than may appear on the surface. We have to be — we live mostly in our minds, no matter how aware we are, and while we edit our thoughts, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Humans are the only species that are capable of in-depth analysis and reasoning, and so our thoughts are layered, winding, and interconnected in surprising ways.

This means love between human beings is also a complex affair. (I’m speaking mostly of romantic connection here, but it applies in various ways to other relationships as well.) When you start thinking about how thoughts can mesh, complement, or collide between two people, it gets pretty amazing. At least, it amazes me. How do we agree on anything? What does attraction really mean?

To me, real attraction is more spiritual than anything else — we fall in love with another’s mind and heart, not their appearance. Because once you know a mind and heart for the beautiful joy and wonder it is, you forget the details of what they look like. My late best friend Pam used to always describe me as I was when she first met me, even though I’d gone through a dozen different hair styles since. I always had permed curly hair to her. (Gave perms up decades ago.) She never remembered my current hair style, it just wasn’t important… but she always remembered the details of my life and heart, even when she was so sick.

I always knew we were chosen family… girlfriends so close we were sisters. Her own heart and soul were as gorgeous and open as her large violet-blue eyes. We chose each other as young single women, struggling to make a living working in a bank and living on our own, both of us a little battered and bruised by life. It was the heart and soul connection that bound us together over the years and through the ups and downs of our lives. And we made the choice, over and over, through mistakes, misunderstandings, and forgiveness, to stay close.

We all get upset and irritated with others, no matter how much we love them. A younger Facebook friend of mine, the mother of a preschooler, shared this a while back: “Even if you love your child to bits, toddlers can still make you crazy.” And I enthusiastically agreed… and commented that as parents, that feeling lasts a lifetime, off and on. So by the same token, those you choose to love will eventually become irritated with you.

How do you handle a loved one becoming irritated? Does it threaten your security? Does it scare you, make you run, make you hide? Or do you just get angry back at them? Can you listen to what is bothering them and understand and own your part in it?

To not only be chosen, but to stay chosen, strikes fear into many hearts. I have known both men and women whose greatest fear is to be left behind by a loved one. Those people have reacted in many ways — jealousy, control, manipulation, excessive emphasis on “looking good”, even going so far as plastic surgery to insure those good looks a little longer. Only a few have addressed their own fears directly, or worked to strengthen the relationship in order to keep falling in love over and over again with their partners. We humans just seem to address relationship issues by focusing first on the other person, rather than our own behaviors.

But we can only change our own behavior. We can’t change the ways of anyone else, and it’s fruitless to try. In fact, you’re likely to cause your own troubles with that person if you do. The way to stay loved and chosen is to choose to work on your own life and to grow.

That choice strikes fear into hearts, too. “But what if I grow into someone the person I love doesn’t like?” Well, that’s a risk, but it’s one you’ve got to take in order to choose yourself, which is the only choice worth making to live a full life.

When it comes right down to it, if being chosen by another is your first desire, you’ve already decided to grow into something you’re probably not. I don’t know how that works for you, but for me when I’ve tried it, I can’t sustain it. Well, I did for years career-wise, but I can’t claim I sustained much of anything… mostly I kept falling down and trying again because I was too stubborn to think I might have been wrong about my choice. Did it with a couple of men, now that I think about it. *Facepalm*, as my young friends would say.

When we are most ourselves, when we are growing into who we are, we are at our most beautiful. It may not change us much on the outside — well, we develop a glow we may never have had — but on the inside, we are gorgeous. And since it is what is on the inside that determines how we treat ourselves and others, how we get along on this crazy ride called life, then I think that is what really counts. Gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful, stunningly deep and true… oh, that is what I truly want to be. Loved and chosen, that’s me.

Regrouped

I recently discovered something: as long as I continue to submerge my own work in someone else’s, my life will grow smaller. Ouch. And I’ve been doing that for a while… and my life is definitely smaller in some ways, notably the paycheck.

Now, this doesn’t mean I can’t contribute to another’s growth… after all, what else does a coach do? And it doesn’t mean I can’t be part of a joint venture — I’m co-leading a women’s retreat next month, and I’m very excited about it. But what it does mean to me is that I can’t hide my light or direct it only on someone else. That’s not what I’m made for.

So I have stumbled again, fallen again, and now, I am getting up again. Still not completely certain about the direction, but I’m getting hints. The most successful thing I’ve done for myself recently has been some intense coaching with a single small-business client, who is doing beautiful work for her first year. It constantly amazes me how events are lining up for her… never in the way she originally planned, but always in a way that turns out best for the long run. Guess that’s a sign, isn’t it? Back into coaching I go.

I haven’t posted here in a long time. I’ve missed it, but haven’t had the creative energy to write. That’s what long hours in a store, speaking to hundreds of people a day, will do to you, not to mention living with other people and several animals. I found all the small talk really sapped my focus. It’s taken weeks after leaving the job, finally living in a place of my own, for me to get the energy and focus to write again. In the meantime, I simply came home. Worked on the retreat curriculum, but mostly read, slept, and spent intense time in thought and prayer. I didn’t go out, talk to many people, or even play my music… silence worked better for me.

What has resulted from all that down time has been a huge surge in my emotional growth. I have absorbed so many lessons, it’s almost astounding. I have worked through and beyond a long-time pattern in relationships… and the next man so much like the other two was already lined up by the Divine, so I’m happy to say I don’t need him to learn, too! The ways in which Spirit has directed me on the path fascinate and mystify me, but always show that I am held in love to grow. I’m finding out more about life energy — reading my own as clearly as I often sense that of others. More of my past is falling into place and healing deep within me. And I am understanding and valuing my own gifts, even though it’s taking time to put that value into the world.

Part of that value is writing. If I don’t acknowledge that this is one of my gifts, then I shortchange myself. So I am back on the blog, working to build it up again, maybe reposting some of my old stuff for newbies to see. I am encouraged by the number of people who have found it and read a post or two during my hiatus. Never many, but enough to let me know I’m still out there on Google and interesting enough for them to read a little.

So I ask you, where have you taken time to regroup? Have you recognized those spaces in your life when you could only manage the basics, and did you cherish yourself enough to let them be? I tend to beat up on myself for “not accomplishing anything”, and fail to understand that time to dream, learn, and absorb brings rewards that nothing else does. That is where I grow. That is where I connect the dots. That is where I build the foundation of what I bring to the world.

What I intend and construct in my life is not the real point of it. The real meaning of life is growth. And it is in time spent in solitude and reflection that growth happens, or is at least integrated into our beings and behaviors. I don’t regret a minute of the time I couldn’t write up to now, if what I was shown is what it takes for me to write.

Present (for the moment)

Recently presence has occupied my mind… the art of attention, that is. For it is an art, or at least a skill, to be thinking only about this instant and not letting your mind wander around in the past or the future. Few of us have mastered it, I’m convinced. Certainly not me.

One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. … All you need to do is to be curious, receptive, eager for experience. And there’s one strange thing: when you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living (1960)

My son’s grandparents have met many famous people, largely through their work in the 1950s and 1960s with the Democratic party in Wyoming. One of the stories Ben’s grandfather tells is about meeting Eleanor Roosevelt. He said that she was not a pretty woman, but the minute she opened her mouth to speak, you completely forgot what she looked like — her voice was soft and sweet, and she paid complete attention to the person in front of her, as if there were no one else in the room. She wasn’t interested in impressing you with her presence… she was present for you.

Photo credit: Kaiser Permanente History

Photo credit: Kaiser Permanente History

Now, making allowances for his point of view (being brought up in an era where a woman’s looks were her primary asset — however, so did Eleanor), it still illustrates a remarkable person. How many of us give complete attention to not only the person in front of us, but also the task? How often do we stop to enjoy the beauty we see before us?

This is the view today outside the dining room window, near where I sit and write. Snow, sunshine, deck, birdhouse, trees. A beautiful composition in shades of brown and white, with a color pop from the birdhouse. Totally ordinary beauty that exists on its own… but gone until an appreciative eye shows up.

Photo credit: Sue Engle

Photo credit: Sue Engle

How much do we miss in this life? How much goes by without our seeing it? And how do we start catching what counts? We’re already cramming busy lives even more full.

I think these are good questions to be asking ourselves, especially during this crazy holiday season. Because until you slow yourself down, your life will continue to go by in a blur. Nobody else can help you pay attention. Nobody else can give you calm and quiet. And isn’t that the gift you really want?

I started this post five days ago, on a quiet Saturday morning. I am working on it again very early Thursday morning, snatching some time from sleep — which is elusive today, it seems. My life has gone from serene and orderly to more than a little hectic in the last six months. Time slips by without my presence; it takes more energy from me to pay attention. It’s easier to zone out when I am rushed, and so it takes longer to complete a post than I would like.

And while that may give me more time to think and compose in my head, it also symbolizes how life flows by us. If we are not present, it’s downstream before we know it. Everything is temporary — jobs, careers, relationships, family, homes, cars, possessions. We are temporary, when you think about it. So if we spend our time in the future, in a dream, in a TV show, rushing around, online, even in a book, we lose what is sitting in front of us, and that is all that is real.

I just spent a minute stroking Eddie, the long-haired tuxedo cat who likes to hang out on my computer. He is here every night, a reminder of what lives in front of me. Eddie does love me, but I know what really draws him — he loves the heat from the computer even more. Gotta be real about cat love; it’s pretty opportunistic.

The way we live our lives can be opportunistic as well, let’s admit it. We seize the moment to focus on making money, get through the “to-do” list, slip into work on time, grab a bite, or dash to the deadline. All of this focusing on the activity inside the buildings, inside our cars, inside our heads.

Yet all around us outside the buildings, cars, and yes, our heads, is the glory of God. Even in the dead of winter, there is the stark pristine beauty of snow, bare trees, blue sky, and a lone hawk lazily spinning. Walk in the woods and you see clear animal tracks, water captured in ice, and the earth resting up for the rush of spring. It doesn’t matter that humankind has largely retreated to home and hearth during the freezing cold, the Divine is still putting on a show, asking our attention to what truly matters… the home that sustains us all.

Photo credit: Glen Helen Facebook page

Photo credit: Glen Helen Facebook page

We don’t have to have a rigorous meditation practice, prayer rituals, or yoga poses. We don’t even have to go to church every week to worship the Divine where it is. All you have to do is open your eyes and see.

For God is everywhere you look. God is in your browned yard, the bare tree, the deer munching on the weeds, in the asphalt, the skyscraper, the frozen pond, the faces of your children and spouse. The Divine is in your workplace, the grocery store, on both the freeway and the country road you travel. The snowdrops poking through and the merry lights on houses both speak of the love that surrounds our beings.

I’m not sure we’re built to pay full attention to the present every moment. I’m not even sure we’re able to be fully aware most moments. But we can pull ourselves out of our heads periodically and look around us, taking in the glory of the world. We can remind ourselves that our personal universes are only a small part of the larger web around us. And we can breathe a prayer of thanks or amazement to the spirit that holds us.

For in the end, we will not remember the days we spent rushing from store to store. We will not remember the endless hours of striving for achievement in the workplace. What will stay with us forever will be the moments of astonishment at unexpected natural beauty, the first sight of a baby’s face, times when we are caught short by the sheer gorgeousness of life and pulled clear out of our heads to face the reality in front of us.

That is worship, that is what brings gratitude, that is how we know we are part of something far larger than ourselves. So just stop. Stop and stare. Take it in. Breathe. Be present, if only for the moment. It will flow by, just like all the others, but if you are lucky it will be stored and available for your smile later on. Amazing how that works.

Anger management

Another three dead last night from a shooter in Columbus, Ohio, including a seven-year-old on life support until he can be an organ donor. A wounded cop from the final gunfight that killed the shooter. Another case of exploding anger. Another person who sees no solution for their overwhelm but bullets.

What is wrong with our society that we have created people who see this as an option? Where has both our outrage and our compassion gone? Outrage that this is accepted as normal, compassion for those who see no other out for their despair.

These are complex questions, but these angry men (and most are men, but not all) are everywhere. It is time we ask the questions and search ourselves for answers and solutions.

I was raised by an angry man, as were several friends of mine. I have dated angry men. I have worked for so many of them. I have seen it as a deep and terrible rage, only barely held in check, and as more and more of them act it out, its extremes become normal.

It is frightening to have that anger directed at you. It seeks a target, someone to blame, a reason for whatever triggered the emotions that are rising like a tide inside that person, threatening to swallow them whole. And when you see that cycle in another, you begin to understand how scary it is to feel that level and depth of anger. All the angry one sees is red, quite literally. The details of people’s faces fade, and they are no longer three-dimensional, no longer seem human… so much easier to mow them down to get them out of your way.

I have been at the hands of that anger. I have felt that anger. And I know where it comes from.

Photo credit: Jay Simmons via rgbstock.com

Photo credit: Jay Simmons via rgbstock.com

Many years ago, someone in power in my church did another a serious injustice, which I was privy to (not many were), but was unable to stop. I felt the threat and I felt the helplessness, even though it wasn’t my own. And my reaction surprised and amazed me. When I found out about the full incident, blood red flooded my vision and so much rage flowed through me I nearly staggered. The person who told me about the injustice done to her was shocked at the change that came over me… she could see how affected I was.

I quit speaking to the one who made me so angry… quit speaking to him for years, which is very unlike me. I cut him dead in the halls, wasn’t open to his words, avoided him in public, would not serve my church in any capacity that would bring me close to him. The depth of unforgiveness I felt seemed endless. I had no context for this feeling, I just knew I felt it to the very bottom of my soul. And it forced me to honor it and not cover it up with routine politeness.

But finally, gradually, it faded. Before he moved away, we met for a meal and talked. We discussed the past and my rage, but not in depth and detail — we couldn’t. It was too long ago, most of it was lost in memory, we didn’t agree, and it was no longer important. Too much had passed and moved on. We reconciled enough to let it all go and forgive. I have not seen him since, and that’s fine with me.

Many years later, as incest memories began to crop up and be resolved, I realized where the anger I had felt so long before came from. This man who offended me so looked very much like the one who abused me as a young child. And it was the well of rage from that experience that was inadvertently tapped and misdirected.

This is what I think is at the root of so much of this anger that ricochets around us these days. It is anger due to injustice, abuse, confusion, and shame… acquired in earlier days, risen like yeast, and baked in the fiery oven of the mind. We ruminate the wrong, chew it, spew it wherever we can, let it spread, look for more justification, do anything but heal it. And it continues to grow inside us, where it can only fester.

The healing can only begin when we acknowledge the other is human, and made a mistake out of their own imperfect humanity… just like our own.

Forgiveness can be very hard when someone has acted horribly. But the truth, whether or not we care to admit it, is that someone did what we too might have done if we had been as freaked out by something as they were; if we had been as scared of something as they were; if we had been as limited in our understanding as they were. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held accountable or that we shouldn’t have boundaries or standards. It doesn’t even mean we have to stay in contact with that person. But it does mean we can come to understand that humanity is not perfect. Just knowing that — that we all do the best we know how with the skills we have at the time — is a realization that opens the heart to more enlightened understanding. And that’s what we’re on the earth for, because in the presence of people with enlightened understanding, darkness ultimately turns into light.
– Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

I remember another time when I was having difficulty at work… actually, it may have been shortly after the incident above occurred. I was in the wrong place, not acknowledging it was time to go, overwrought, stressed, and at the mercy of my own thoughts. I had struggled for a long time to do a superhuman job where my own boss would not acknowledge I needed lots of help… and when I finally received assistance, it was almost too late. I was moving too fast to get things done to train another. The situation imploded (you knew this was coming), and my single position was replaced by a team of six… which I did not manage. Probably a good thing under the circumstances.

Anyway, I continued on the team, contributing where I could, but deeply unhappy and felt trapped by the situation — which was only true because I insisted on not taking a chance on something different. I doubt if I was much fun to work with. Finally one day, one of my teammates took a tremendous risk in a team meeting and asked me why I was always so angry. The manager literally held his breath and waited for the explosion he was sure was coming.

The comment took me completely by surprise. I had no idea I was projecting so much anger, no clue it was sticking out all over me like spikes. All the hurt, all the pain, all the rejection and inadequacy I felt was there for everyone to see, but no one could get close enough (or wanted to, I bet) to begin to soothe it. And it wasn’t their responsibility, anyway. We’ve all seen this in those around us… and I saw in an instant I was there, too.

So I took a deep breath and responded calmly, “Wow. You’re right. I’m sorry… I need to think about this.” The rest of the table took a deep collective breath, too. You could feel the tension leaking from the room.

This was a huge lesson for me. That was when I began to learn that my mood and attitude were mine to control, that I really wasn’t at the mercy of what battered me. I didn’t have to let it overflow to all the innocent ones around me. If I couldn’t direct it to the one responsible, I had to channel it some other way. It was key to healing the deep anger I felt for my fellow church member, key ultimately to healing the red rage underlying my very soul.

As I observe others who are deeply angry, as I see how we react as a society to shootings, how we never know who is capable of grabbing a firearm and finding what they think is a solution, I begin to understand that it could be any of us behind that gun. Any of us, that is, who haven’t taken the time to heal. Who doesn’t know there is life beyond that pain, that you don’t have to let it fester and infect your soul… and maybe inflict even more pain on the innocent, like that seven-year-old boy and his family.

We must begin to recognize all as human, to respect and cherish one another, and also understand the hurt and pain that overflows and burns all it touches like lava. It is up to us to extend the love that heals, every one of us. It is up to us to accept that love when it is offered. It is up to us to ask what’s wrong, what hurts, why someone is angry, and to listen to the answer. It is up to us to look within, to see our own pain, and to figure out how we can mend our own wounds.

We are here in community. We heal together. We accomplish nothing by casting another out to get better on their own, because it ain’t gonna happen. Only by acknowledging that violence is human and explainable (even if we don’t like the reality of it), will we begin to eradicate it. Only by deciding that love is supreme and expressing it, will we be able to heal another and give them reason to go on, even when in pain. Only by accepting that we are all wounded, that no one is perfect, will we feel worthy to receive the love we need.

I do not know what triggered the shooter yesterday. I know he had a history of violent behavior, which figures… it tends to escalate over time. It takes a lot of frustration and pain to get out a gun and start killing.

It’s probably not important, in the end, that we know what started the rampage. What is important is what we do about it. In giving thanks on Thursday, with our families around the table — not that we are all safe, but that we can love each other. In extending a pleasant greeting in the Black Friday crunch. In supporting those who are in need, hungry and tired and stretched too thin.

For it is in sharing our blessings, not to boast, but to help, that we heal ourselves and our society. It is in understanding our frailties that we cure another. It is in loving one another as the gloriously human beings we are, strengths and flaws alike, that we become whole and holy. For we are made of stardust and love, always golden.

Love to you all this Thanksgiving.

Related Links:
Bang bang
Bombs away
Facing The Darkest Side of a Beautiful Person

Second chances

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

– Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho (1983)

I’ve been thinking lately about forgiveness and moving on. For me, forgiveness is the process of letting go of whatever pain I’m holding about somebody or a situation. Just letting it go, instead of allowing it to eat at me and fester. Even venting it isn’t always helpful, if it doesn’t resolve the situation. And if it’s unresolvable, all I can do is let it go.

It’s a difficult process, one that’s not easily completed… maybe never truly completed, since we can’t know where or how we’ll encounter what triggered it again, in the same form or another. For when we decide that we cannot go on in the direction we’re headed, that we need to change, then we have to let go somehow and move forward with our lives.

But what if the relationship, the career, the problem all comes around again? What if a second chance is requested or wanted? (Because you may be the one who wants another try.) Should you let that person back in your heart, see if this company is the right fit, find out if this new solution actually works?

One of the best teachers my son Ben ever had was in 4th and 5th grade. She led a special classroom for gifted children, and she had set it up specifically to teach a lesson they all needed — how to fail and recover. We have taught our children to fear failure — after all, success is so rewarded in our culture, shouldn’t we all strive for it? Well, no, not if it means we won’t stretch ourselves and risk failure. And gifted children are particularly prone to not risking failure. It’s part of the one-sided development that happens when we stress academics over all.

This teacher met with the parents early in the year and told us in no uncertain terms to keep our hands off our childrens’ book bags… and then she let us in on what she had planned. At the beginning of the week, she posted on the board all the work the students were expected to complete. Because of the mixed-grade classroom, she did a lot of small group work with them, so those who weren’t meeting with her or working on a project with their group had plenty of free time to finish up. They could take the work home to do as well. But there were many distractions deliberately placed in the classroom and available to anyone who wanted to use them — board and card games, books, and art materials. She set them up to blow it.

She expected each child to fail this test at least once, because any work not completed by the week’s end received a 0, and could not be turned in late. For a 4th grader who doesn’t understand about averaging grades, this was devastating. However, they could make up the missing grade with extra credit work, so they all had chances to redeem the mistake. The first time Ben didn’t get his work done, he melted down at home Friday night and could not be consoled. Tears nearly all evening long, he was so upset about failing. Thankfully I was expecting this situation and reaction.

It took several failures that year to get the concepts down — that he had to plan his week, follow through on expectations, and if he didn’t make it, figure out how to correct course and move on. I don’t think it was a problem at all the second year he was in her classroom. And after those two years, I rarely had to monitor his homework. Maybe a few times in middle school, but he was mostly very responsible, taught by his elementary school experience. And I never had a child who was ready to commit suicide over a grade of A-, something I had always feared. He learned failure wasn’t final.

We all need and deserve second chances in our lives, maybe even third, tenth, or hundredth. Failure is always an option, always a possibility, and it teaches us what we cannot learn any other way. When we succeed with flying colors, we can get lost in the triumph and the glory and the experience becomes about success instead of what it truly was. But when we fail, while we may be brought low, eventually we have to look at it all critically and learn from those mistakes if we want to rise again.

There really is no shame in failure, yet most of us would happily chew rocks rather than take the chance of failing. What brings this fear?

Well, I actually just gave you the answer — shame, or rather, perceived shame. We often see failure as final, as evidence we’ve wasted our time and resources, or worse, our lives. We don’t see beyond the first result. We don’t believe we really can succeed after failure. We think we have only one chance at winning, but that’s not true. We pin our self-worth to triumph and glory rather than effort, but effort is where we learn, and it’s through effort that we often succeed. It isn’t given to us as a reward for simply trying.

We learn through the failed relationship, through the 33rd run of the experiment, through the dress that doesn’t hang quite right or the essay that doesn’t flow the way you wanted it to. This is how we progress. It’s examining the path that isn’t straight, the lost status, the jail sentence, the bottoming out that shows us where we went wrong and how we get it right.

And if we are not given second chances to get it right, if we are not forgiven, not allowed back to try again, then we have choices to make with our lives. Sometimes we can salvage ourselves and go a different direction, and sometimes we fall further down. It’s really up to us to decide how to see it.

Many years ago, one of my faculty advisers was denied tenure. When that happens, generally your contract isn’t renewed and you lose your job at the end of it. That practice makes failure quite public among your peers — you’re not given the chance to slink away and lick your wounds in private. Instead, you have to show up for work the next day and continue to teach until the contract ends. You can’t get away from it.

He spent the next couple of years trying to get another teaching job, but always felt he was under a cloud, and it affected his attitude and outlook. Nothing worked out the way he thought it would or hoped, and gradually he sank under the weight of his old failure, trying to drown it every night in alcohol, steeped in resentment. I wish I could give you a happy ending to this story, but I can’t. It didn’t happen. He died a few years ago, an alcoholic who never tried to get sober. Part of it was his responsibility, part of it… well, maybe not. Sometimes life isn’t sweet. Sometimes you just can’t bear to take the risk. And sometimes you aren’t given the break you need.

Second chances aren’t guaranteed, much less the third, tenth, or hundredth. And sometimes that is what we have to recognize. There really are relationships you can’t salvage, along with careers or other problems. Doors and paths shut down. You have to go another direction, or drown in the sorrow and regret. And maybe, just maybe, that is the lesson.

For we cannot always count on our charm and wiles to bring us out of our own crap. We cannot always get the second chance. Sometimes we have to work harder than we think to reclaim our lives. Sometimes we have to work very hard, indeed. And sometimes we don’t get to go back and make up the work. The test lies in how we handle that outcome… do we continue to drown our sorrows, or do we start looking for another path?

But sometimes, when we least expect it, the second chance opens up. The path to redemption shows itself. We become aware that we can indeed figure out the way to go forward. We learn that it isn’t too late, that we can change, that we can make amends.

As I struggle with my craft, looking through old posts to see what I did — and did it work, or not, or even make sense — I begin to understand how “failing better” really operates. Because as I grow, I find that I relate differently to my work, or anyone else’s, differently on any given day. It depends on where I find myself, what I’ve most recently learned, and what mood I may be in. Luckily, second chances are more easily obtained with writing.

I’m not so sure about my life. I struggle also with it. I’m working on new projects, yes, but those are morphing almost daily. The direction changes, and I am not sure which way I’m going. I want to find time and space to write more often, but the fatigue from working full-time gets me down. I can’t beat my age… my energy is more limited than it used to be, even though I’m in much better shape than I’ve been, and fairly active again. I still tire faster and am more easily distracted.

So I am wrestling still with the idea of a second chance… maybe third or tenth, or God help me, hundredth.  Maybe this path will lead me to a second chance at a career, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll do the work I feel I was designed to do, maybe I’ll retire on Social Security in ten years from the hardware store… well, not that. (I’m not sure I even want to record that possibility, in case it comes true!) Maybe I’ll win the lottery — even if I don’t buy tickets. Yeah, right.

Still, I don’t give up. I do the work. I show up, I meditate, I pray, I love what is around me and where I find myself. I know that the next chance is out there for me, even if I don’t see it coming. And that how it unfolds, where it takes me, how I grow and change and learn from it is a gift I must take, even if it looks like it is the wrong size or color. I open myself to that next chance, to ever trying, ever failing, failing better. For failing better can be success, too.

Working

Photo credit: David Ritter via rgbstock.com

Photo credit: David Ritter via rgbstock.com

I’ve been putting in a lot of hours lately, but not here. I’ve been working more hours, and with a longer commute, I’m not able to write nearly as much as I have been. It’s been a tough choice to make, honestly. I miss posting here.

But the other reason I have been and will continue to spend less time here is that two new writing projects with great potential have popped up in the last couple of weeks. I’m not free to say more right now, but my life is going in a fascinating direction with these. At the very least, I can put out some solid work I can be proud of, and that makes me happy.

I’ll try to post here, but it’s going to be an occasional thing for several months, at least. Meanwhile, wish me luck — hopefully these new projects are going to lead to bigger and better things for me! Have a great October!

Integration

Photo credit: Gavin Spencer via rgbstock photo

Photo credit: Gavin Spencer via rgbstock photo

I was on the bus one day recently and observed a woman, possibly in her 50s, aiming a monologue at anyone who would listen to her. She kept repeating it, and it revolved around these ideas:

  • I’m not attractive anymore
  • I used to be beautiful
  • I was married when I was 26
  • I’ve got to get attractive again
  • I’ve got to get married again
  • Then I’ll be happy

About one minute into the monologue, people turned completely away from her. I did, too. It wasn’t just the emptiness of the words, it was the desperation in her voice that kept escalating. She moved around the bus at least three times during a 15-minute ride, trying to find someone who would just sit there and absorb her spiel. I know she approached at least five other people, as well as me. When she tapped me on the shoulder from behind, I shook my head “no”… I was too busy meditating, sending her peace so I could maintain mine. I knew it was probably futile, but what the hell, it could only improve the situation if I didn’t engage her. She needed way more help than I could give in the next five minutes.

It was obvious to me that life had used her up and spit her out — overweight, messy hair, obsessively ranting on the same things over and over again. Mental illness of some sort, maybe addiction… present or past, it still had ravaged her mind. She was a soul in major trouble.

But one of the biggest troubles she had was her disconnection from reality and focus on “fixing” her appearance, as if she was only two-dimensional — what was inside her mind and soul didn’t matter, as long as she could present an unbroken facade to the world. If she was pretty again, the world would fall at her feet and she wouldn’t suffer anymore.

So many of us have skated close to that edge of reality, where we allowed ourselves to behave as though external things and appearances were all there was to life, where careers were worth dedication that became worship, where relationships were secondary to fulfillment. Isn’t that what our society has come to value?

I certainly have lived this way, beating my head against success at a career I chose, but truly wasn’t suited for, working for the money to acquire belongings, a sweet car, a lovely little house. But the truth of my life is that its greatest achievements so far are raising my son and getting myself emotionally healthy… part of which involved giving up many of those belongings, the sweet car, and the lovely little house. The facade had nothing to do with my real successes; it was listening to my own soul and following its call that ensured I was present as a mother and came back to my true self to live.

In the last two months, I’ve re-read two series of novels by the British author Susan Howatch — the Starbridge series and the St. Benet’s Trilogy — which follow an interconnected group of people over many decades, most of whom are Church of England clergy. They are fascinating character studies, each book focusing on the spiritual struggles of one person in relationship to others, referencing previous books, but not rehashing the same conflicts over and over again. The struggles of these characters are vividly human, involving ambition, lying, cheating, stealing, adultery, addiction, pride, the occult, prostitution, even torture and murder. Many of these struggles are depicted from all sides of the conflict — aggressors, victims, bystanders, collateral damage. None of it is glossed over, dismissed, or ignored. Howatch recognizes the interconnectedness of souls and that damage to one hurts all it touches.

One of the concepts that she discusses consistently is the human drive toward integration — our need to live according to our values in a healthy way — and how we get there, mostly on our knees. It’s never a forward march on our feet, no matter what anyone tries to tell you or that you think you see. We all stagger, we all fall, we all have dark nights of the soul where we cry out in pain and agony. But those dark nights are necessary to our growth, for that is where we integrate our actions with our values and figure out where we’ve come up short.

What I have found in my own life is that when I act out of anything but my own values, I become disconnected with myself… dis-integrated. Actually, it feels like I’m disintegrating, if you want the truth. I feel like I’m crumbling, as if my core is dissolving into nothing and I’m no longer sure of who I really am. I spent years this way. It took a long time before I figured out that friends who sucked my emotions dry with drama weren’t really friends. A long time to figure out casual sex meant nothing. A long time to figure out that if I put on a mask before I went to work in the morning I wasn’t going to know myself by evening.

We all lose our way occasionally, due to any number of causes. Crisis of any kind — accident, loss, illness — can send us into a tailspin. Sometimes the spin sends us into disaster, sometimes not. Sometimes it leads directly to a land where we no longer know what way is up. Every time we try to figure out where we are, we find more pieces to put together again. But as we heal, what happens is that the pieces come together in a different shape and all at once we are different people — we see our lives differently, see others differently, see ourselves differently, and better.

Because what happens when we lose our way and spin is that we drop any sense of control. In fact, the harder we try to hang on to it, the harder we are banged up by life… as if we are being dragged in a sack over rocky ground. If we let go, we still may not be able to see out of the sack, but nobody has to knock our mistaken sense of control out of our hands. The ride gets a little easier.

All of our power lies in choice, not control. Control and certainty are illusions at best, but it is completely human for all of us to want them. — Laurie Foley, from her Caringbridge blog

I found those first words of Laurie’s extremely powerful — “All of our power lies in choice, not control.” She is absolutely right. And when we listen to our guts to make our choices, we most often choose the right way… not necessarily the easy way, or the safe way, or even the logical way, but the way our souls would have us go.

What makes the most sense to me in this crazy life is that we are here to take a course in transformation — morphing ourselves into loving souls, changing each other one by one through love and caring. This is not an instantaneous process, nor is it meant to be easy. These are lessons that go down deep to our roots and recreate us as beings of light, belonging to each other on a soul level that connects us below any surface we can see.

However, these lessons are not forced on us… that is not the way of love. Instead we are wooed by how they connect with our deepest hearts. Susan Howatch started out her writing career by penning Gothic romance novels, some of which, like Penmarric and Cashelmara, became wildly successful. You can bet starting a series of novels about Church of England clergy was not a career turn she (or her editor) saw coming. Yet these are the books for which she is now known, these complex character studies in faith, love, and the integration of self and soul. She arrived at the point of writing them through a spiritual path that she could not have anticipated, requiring research into complex theology, psychological principles, and how the two disciplines mesh.

This is how we all arrive at the center of the life we are meant to live — through career paths we don’t foresee, through love, loss, and despair, through illness, financial ruin, disappointment and betrayal, through any number of twists, turns, and blind alleys that lead us to our lessons. Then we may start on another path, another way… but as long as we are integrated, firmly centered in our values, we travel less and less far from that path, we learn how to navigate it more easily and quickly, and we move deeper and deeper into our own gorgeous souls.

It really isn’t about getting married, being more beautiful, more successful, a better parent, or upwardly mobile (whatever that is). It’s about how we live, how we treat ourselves and one another, how we follow that still small voice that coos to us quietly… coaxing us along the way that brings us further along our path. Life may never be what you think it will be, but if your your heart, mind, and soul are fully integrated, you will be truly happy.

Released

Photo credit Adrian van Leen  (Perth, Western Australia)

Photo credit Adrian van Leen (Perth, Western Australia)

You’re not going to encounter, never mind clear or heal, what needs clearing or healing by having everything go your way with your best, smiling self humming through life like a character in a musical.

You can’t build the muscles that need building just by encountering a snarly comment from your favorite cashier or having one bad headache.

Life pushes you to your walls to make sure you get what you need — never as punishment or for random hard times, but for your most glorious evolution, so you can do and be the highest version of what you’re here to do and be.
— Jaya the Trust Coach (from her January 2013 newsletter)

I love to play a game online called Fitz. The board has varying colorful layouts that become more complex with each level you reach. You win the level by turning the board completely white. To do that, you match at least three shapes together by clicking two and swapping them… the matched ones disappear, the color in the space goes down a level or more (yellow to blue to white, for example) and the shapes above fall into their place. If you swap far enough down, you can see the board completely changing color through a cascade of matches and disappearing shapes. Every move changes it, so no real strategy is possible. Hmmm, kind of like my life.

I think one of the most difficult spiritual concepts that exists is letting go of what you want in order to have a chance to get it. This seems like a total paradox, but really, it isn’t: the tension of holding on to something often creates a deadlock. Letting go releases the tension and then it can slip into your grasp, or slip away. This concept is called aparagraha in Sanskrit. Either way, once you let go you’re free.

It’s kind of like the way monkeys are trapped: a hole is cut into a tied gourd that is just big enough for the animal’s hand to get through, then a tasty piece of fruit is put into the hole. The monkey puts its hand in to get the fruit, then it can’t get its closed fist through the hole. It’s caught in the trap because it can’t figure out that letting go of the fruit would free it, and it’s too greedy to let it go, anyway.

Men who don’t love you will treat you badly. A man who loves you but doesn’t want to will treat you even worse.
Something More, Sarah ban Breathnach

I have been in love from afar for over eight years with a man who has refused to be part of my life, except for occasional, usually awkward, communications. One of those “I love you, but I don’t want to” things. It’s been a process and a path all on its own — certainly not smooth sailing, nor has it been something I’ve accepted calmly throughout. I have fought it as often as I’ve accepted it, and there have been times I have fought very hard. It’s been a puzzle to me… it was never part of my plan to want someone who didn’t want to be with me, even though I received consistent signals he was seriously attracted as well.

We all know at some level when someone is attracted romantically to us. It shows in so many ways — the in jokes that pop up, the feelings that flutter in the stomach, the spontaneous changes in behavior — you never knew you were capable of that, did you? It’s all pretty unmistakeable, because we know somewhere in our bodies how we feel about a person when we look at them or think about them, or even how often we think about them. You can’t hide that body reaction for long. Voices even change when talking to or about the beloved. You can hear it if you’re tuned to it.

So I knew, even if he never admitted, that this was mutual on some level. But I also grew to know that it wasn’t ever mine to control. I certainly tried, though… damn, it never worked. But every time I fought it, tried to leave, tried to get this man clear out of my head, prayed and cried and begged the Divine to let me go, something random would happen showing me clearly that I was supposed to stay.

The most astounding time was the next day after one of those fervent prayers, I was leafing through Glamour magazine and in an article about men’s thoughts the last time they had sex, was one right in the middle of the page with my guy’s full name on it (much younger — knew it wasn’t him). And the quote? It was “How my wife does it better than anyone else.” OK, God… now you’re showing off. Who, me? Leave? Guess not. Oh, well.

I never knew I was patient until over 30 years ago, I fell in love with another man who was also scarred by a marriage gone incredibly bad and who treated me the same way. It took over three years of pushme-pullyou before I walked away from that one… probably right before he would have given in and made an effort to work out our relationship, because he knew he loved me. (And no, that wasn’t wishful thinking, either. I found that out when it was too late, then he died before we could try to pick up those pieces.)

I took some very deep lessons away from that experience — lessons whose significance I puzzled over until this latest man walked (maybe catapulted) into my life nearly nine years ago. The similarities between these two guys hit me upside the head pretty quick. So much became clear… not just about these men and my attraction to them, but also about the lessons life had cued up for me to learn. Kind of hard to miss that they both had the same thing to teach me from their pain.

Then there were the other things I put together about my latest love — that we’d met for the first time decades ago and again a decade before, the number of people we both knew, the shared values, the deep and true connection that manifested itself in surprising ways. Our lives circled around each other, even while he was spinning away. As much as I may have wanted to convince myself it was unimportant, I couldn’t.

One thing I have definitely learned from a lifetime of reconciling contradictions is that you have to be centered in yourself, to know as far as possible what drives you, what sustains you, what keeps you sane. This is living in integrity. You act out of your values (which may change) and you see your own behavior and its impact clearly, trying not to harm others by what you unconsciously do. You are whole. Only when you understand your own truth can you unravel a paradox.

Living in a split or fragmented way means that you’ve separated part of your life from itself — you act differently with one person than another. You put on a mask to go to work and “fit in”. You control your romantic partner’s every move, but you’re fine with whatever your friends do. You’re a competent adult in your daily life, but when you’re around your parents, you act like you’re five years old again. You boast about your achievements in public, but you constantly beat yourself up inside.

When we act out of integrity with ourselves and our core values, we betray not only those we love, but ourselves at the deepest levels. This creates wounds which are difficult to heal… but which must be made well in order to live our lives to their full potential. We can only soar on unbroken or healed wings.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Dr. Brené Brown

Some part of me knows that I have explored plenty of darkness in myself. I’ve plumbed a lot of depths to bring up wisdom, truth, and joy. What were once contradictions are now insights. I’ve learned the rewards of vulnerability and the power it gives you once you finally give up the illusion of emotional armor. I can only grow, I can only create, I can only become who I am meant to be when I am fully open and allowing my heart and my passion to show. It is painful to be pushed to my walls, but anything else puts a mask on me.

The man I love has chosen someone else for a relationship, and thus turned his back on what is between us. While it certainly disturbed me, I’m not terribly surprised — I knew he might not make the same choices I have, and I’ve known for a long time he was dating other women. His privilege; his decisions aren’t mine to make. But this time, my decision was to cut our ties and I have walked away, and I know this is what I must do. When I act from my heart like this, spontaneously, I’m confident that I am doing the right thing. I don’t second-guess it any longer. And spirit hasn’t yet brought a miracle to tell me I’m taking the wrong path. It’s been a few weeks — I don’t think it’s happening this time.

The lesson for me with these two may have been finally to learn to expect more for myself from a man, that I deserve to receive the same deep level of love and commitment I can give. But I wonder. To me, while it is true, it isn’t quite complex enough to explain the twisty, winding path that these two men represent in my life.

Loving them has provided me with profound insight and faith through the miracles of synchronicity and mystery. In loving them, I have learned to accept their humanness and my own. And yes, there have been ways in which loving them as deeply as I have has helped me realize my worth and value as a person and a child of God. In the end, the path I walked because of them, even though it didn’t result in any permanent relationship, may be the greatest gift they’ve ever given.

You get in this life what you have the courage to ask for.
— Oprah Winfrey

So while I am grateful for the many lessons, I am also grateful for the gift of letting go… I did ask for it, after all, during those nights of crying and praying. Being released from this dream, rather than torn away, means it isn’t a hardship to turn my face away to another path, one where the blessing of mutual, deep love may be waiting just around the bend.

And through writing this post, I am able to give the man I love next the gift of knowing I am capable of releasing what no longer works, so that both of us can continue to fly. He will know that while I have deeply loved two men, I can open my heart once again to another. This may be my most glorious evolution, where I can do and be what I was born for. There’s more pieces to swap around to get to the next level, but it’s coming clear.